It Never Goes Away
by Jezebel Jai-Braxlin
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR CLOCKWORK PRINCESS* When Tessa runs away from her family, she finds herself with Magnus Bane. This is what transpires in her time with her greatest teacher. Loss never goes away, it just gets easier.


**Title: It Never Goes Away**

 **Author:** **Jezebel Jai-Braxlin**

 **Summary:** ***SPOILERS FOR CLOCKWORK PRINCESS***

 **When Tessa runs away from her family, she finds herself with Magnus Bane. This is what transpires in her time with her greatest teacher. Loss never goes away, it just gets easier.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Infernal Devices or any of its characters.**

* * *

"Magnus?"

The voice addressing was quiet, hopeful, and most of all familiar. Magnus Bane looked up from his meal at the outdoor cafe to see the last person he thought he would in France.

"Tessa Gray! Or Tessa Herondale it has been, for near a lifetime now."

Tessa bit her lip but otherwise gave no reaction. He found that she looked like she hadn't slept in a week, the dark patches under her eyes deepened her complexion, which caused her to look very sullen. Her dress was of the current fashion in England, but it was rumpled as though slept in for a few nights. Magnus stood and gestured to the available seat at his table.

"I've ordered too much food, would you like to sit?"

She blinked to the table as if unsure how to proceed, then finally took her seat.

"Why have you come to France?" Magnus was pretty sure he knew.

She seemed to pull a strengthened determination out of thin air.

"I am Tessa Gray again." she spoke without meeting his eyes.

Magnus nodded and stared at his plate, fingering the terrycloth. "His funeral is in France?"

She shook her head looking away again. Magnus nodded again. He knew why she'd left.

"Every warlock must severe their ties some time, be it separation or death. We usually don't have family's, however. What do they think of you little vacation?"

Tessa adjusted her posture and stared toward the gray sky. "I can't ever see them again."

Magnus accepted this without question. He did not know what it would be like to have kids of his own, but he did know what that would mean. "How long will you stay in France?"

Tessa shrugged, the slightest of movements. She stared straight ahead and they sat in silence for a few moments more. Then, Tessa leaned forward making eye contact with Magnus for the first time.

"I know it's a lot to ask, Magnus. You have already done so much for me and everyone I cared for. I can not possibly ask anything else of you, and yet I know no one now, and I have nowhere else to go."

Magnus sighed, not a sound of frustration, but resigned understanding, as he leaned back in his chair. "I don't have much space, so you'd have to make do with a mattress on the floor. I paint as means to keep a small loft."

Tessa gave a ghost of a smile "Magnus Bane, the painter?"

He straightened with dignity and assumed a haughty air. "I paint with the higher skills to express the workings of my inner mind. It is not yet recognized as genius by the general public." He gave her a joking stare of indignation. "And you will not mock it if you wish to have a roof over you're homeless shadowhunter bum."

Tessa almost laughed but pulled herself short. She lately felt a pang of guilt whenever she did anything remotely cheerful.

"Bum. The new language of the new century."

"It is the 1930's, it is hardly new, Miss Gray."

"But neither is it old." She stood. "Shall we go, Mr. Bane?"

* * *

Tessa found Magnus a reasonable companion to house with. He wasn't quite so strict about rules, and he didn't treat her like a child. The times he kept to himself, Tessa mostly wandered the city. When he was about, he would tell her about her kind. What some could do, what they were like. The more and less obvious markings. He would paint as she would read, and his paintings truly left a lot to be desired.

"There we are. What do you think Tessa?"

It was supposed to be a woman. Possibly. Or maybe a cat? "What... is it?" She asked after a time.

"It's a portrait of you, Tessa Gray." He leaned back and crossed his arms, a paint brush clutched in one hand, and raised an eyebrow, daring her to insult his work.

Before she knew it, she was rolling across her slim mattress, half of her on it, half of her curled on the wooden floorboards, laughing all of her breath away. She laughed until she wheezed, then she covered her mouth. She stared up at Magnus, losing a giggle or two, waiting for him to respond. He hadn't moved, except that he now had a borderline sinister grin. With the light flick of his left pointer finger, one of the paint tubes tipped sideways and squirted all over Tessa. She let out an inhuman shriek and leaped toward another paint tube as Magnus backed down the hall. She chased him, double armed with green and orange, laughing despite herself.

* * *

"No, no. Stop. BREATHE Tessa." Magnus waved his hands in Tessa general direction as her face turned a bright pink. She let out a gasping breath.

"I'm trying Magnus! It's not like reading the codex. I don't feel any of this in me, I don't think I have this particular ability."

He had been trying to tutor her in the simpler magics. They had not had much luck so far.

"You just have to feel it. Reach inside yourself and pull it to your fingertips. It's as simple as the change, once you get the hang of it. Just pull it to the surface and push it in the direction you desire."

"That's what I've been doing!"

"What you have been doing, Miss Gray, is holding your breath. You won't get anywhere if you can't breath. At least not anywhere on THIS plane."

Tessa sighed and mustered up all her feeling. She reached down in herself, just like with the change, but further. The first few times they'd tried this, she'd changed, without meaning to, into people she'd done in the past. The difference was, instead of looking for the cloaking feeling, instead of focusing on an object, she had to pull her insides -as opposed to someone else's- to the surface of her hand and will it into her objective. She reached down, down, down deep, until... Yes! Something... She found a new pulsing feeling, thrumming somewhere near her heart, and not anywhere in her being at the same time. She pulled it gradually – it felt weighted – up her system until it pooled and spiraled through her palm to her fingers. She focused hard and opened her eyes. The tin can on the table in front of her wiggled just slightly. She gasped and it felt like her entire being was dragged down into her feet as she sank to the floor. She stared up at Magnus, gasping.

"It's like muscles. You have to build your strength to bear the heavier magics. "He took a sip of his coffee. "And that is only step one." He left the room.

* * *

"WILL!" Her shriek rang down the hall. "WILL, NO! PLEASE!"

Magnus was suddenly there, sweeping her up, holding her as she sobbed her way to consciousness.

"Shhhh. Tessa. Wake up, it's over. Will is gone, and you are here."

This was nearly an every night event, save the few she was too exhausted from her magic studies to dream.

She wailed and pawed at his loose shirt collar. "Will, no!"

Magnus tucked her arms and rocked her steadily. "Tessa, wake up."

She twitched as she woke, violently with a loud gasp. Her eyes darted around helplessly before settling into staring at Magnus, who was still holding her. Her breathing slowed and she whimpered an apology. "Forgive me, Magnus."

"I cannot forgive you your pain," he whispered. "Only you can do that."

They sat quietly together on her bed by the window amongst the tangled sheets.

"The first one is always the hardest." He said.

"The first?"

"The first one you love who dies," he said. "It gets easier, after."

"Everyone I love has been taken from me," she said without purpose. "I cannot imagine anything hurting as this does."

"You are young. You have a lot of time to heal, and even more time to be ripped apart again."

* * *

The great war found it's way to Paris and Tessa could not handle the pain.

"We can protect them from everything except their own worst selves. Bitter irony outside of books is tasteless."

"You thought yourself to be one of them once. Is it so different now?"

She didn't answer, watching the smoke rise over the city-scape, circling the crown of the Eiffel tower in the distance.

"A morbid painting of life, one I don't care to record."

"What do we do now?" Tessa's eyes were still on the noises in the distance. The crying women and bleeding men.

"We go to New York. It won't be quite as you remember it, but it will be safe."

* * *

Some months passed in the new New York. Just the bare skeleton of what it once was remained. Tessa and Magnus had moved from place to place for awhile before Magnus called things to an end.

"There is an institute here that could take you in."

"I thought they didn't help downworlders on a whim?"

"They don't. But you are not just any downworlder."

"And what about you, Magnus?"

"I have my eye on a loft. A great place to set up shop."

Tessa nodded. It'd been her idea to branch off, but hadn't been expecting it this soon.

"I don't think I shall go to the institute. I have to make my own way. I don't mean to abandon you... "

"Tessa, when you live as long as we do, goodbyes are hardly necessary. Only a fool would think we could walk this world forever and never meet again. We can hardly stay like this for all of eternity, either way. You have many things to learn and undoubtedly great things to do. I have companions to seek and a position to claim."

"The high Warlock of Brooklyn. Yes, I remember. Oh, the poor souls you'll conjure."

"Any soul should be delighted to be conjured by me. I am a fabulous creature."

Tessa smiled and flicked her fingers. The front door of their shared loft slid open slowly. Before he could object, or she change her mind, she leapt forward and squeezed him in a hug.

"You smell like turpentine." she snorted, wrinkling her nose.

"Painting is truly a nasty habit. And it does nothing for my nails or complexion." He spread his fingers in front of his face.

"Goodbye, Magnus." She gathered her one pack and started toward the door.

"Until next time." Magnus corrected, shutting the door behind her.

He leaned against the door and pulled a torn and faded expert-style drawing of a women with black hair and slitted eyes. She was drawn with a shy, but somehow mischievous smile and looked quite a bit like Magnus.

"It get's easier, but it never goes away... The hard part is not blaming yourself."

* * *

 **This is what popped into my head when I read the epilogue of Clockwork Princess. I hope it was to everyone's liking and I did Magnus and Tessa Justice. Please Review and let me know how I did! Much love, ~Jezebel**


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